Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
