Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
