he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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