i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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