I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
bring money and cleavage
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
