Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Still dying that you shit outside
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
