I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
