There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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