dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
