careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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