She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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