My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
