Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
