I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
