I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
