Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
