dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
