You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
