So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I am available for nakedness
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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