I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
