Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
