So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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