She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
