I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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