I think my fart just growled at me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
