just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
