So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you traded sex for a burrito?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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