just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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