I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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