End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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