We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
