How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
