i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
