She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
