I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
