Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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