please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
