just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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