I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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