I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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