I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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