he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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