Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
