why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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