You just made me feel so damn special
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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