thus making me awesome and them whores
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We need a shit load of segways right now
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
