My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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