Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body