This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
