I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
