my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
