so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize