there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
