You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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