So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
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As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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