I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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