He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
