The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
