her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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